*deep breath, silent prayer*
To whom it may concern,
I've chosen to write this message collectively, as each experience has led to this place. For a time after each of us separated, I held on to sadness, anger, hurt and shame. I was sad that things that seemed so wonderful would never be again. Angry that I once again allowed myself to trust only to be let down. Hurt that someone i cared for so much would cause me such pain. Ashamed that I held on a minute longer than I should have. Although all of these things were my issues, I placed the blame for them all on you.
As time passed, I began to take responsibility for my role in these situations. I could have walked away long before things came to a head. I stayed to long, wanted more than each of you could give, and wanted to be loyal when some showed no loyalty in return. Thats the way it goes sometimes. But as I've stated all of the things I disliked, but you all had some amazing qualities that drew me to you in the first place.
I thank you all for lifting me up, making me feel more beautiful each day, giving me strength when I felt weak. Being there at times when no one else would. I appreciate it. The nights out on the town, trips around the world, and time spent hanging out in front of the tv. I appreciate it all. By taking the best parts of each of you, I know what I want and don't want in the future. I know what feels good and what feels bad. I thank you for it. Without the good and the bad that each of you brought into my life, I wouldn't be the woman that I am. Stronger, smarter, more in love with myself. The woman ready to give all of the love I gave to each of you and more to the man who will finally deserve to have it. I have no regrets, because each moment was part of God's Divine plan for my life. I embrace it fully. I wish you all happiness, joy, and love. Enough of each to change your lives and make you receptive to real, pure, unconditional love.
Love you all,
Lexi
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
30-Day Blog Challenge: Day 6 - A Letter to A Stranger
Hey there,
As I pass you on the street or drive past you in my car, sometimes I wonder. Are your blues like mine? Are your highs as high or your lows as low? Do you go home alone at night? Or have family there waiting to see you. Are you pleased with your life, or feeling lost? Are you hopeful, prayerful, joyful, or filled with sorrow. What are your hopes and dreams? What are your biggest regrets? Are you living life, or merely existing? What is your story?
I'd love to know more,
Lexi
As I pass you on the street or drive past you in my car, sometimes I wonder. Are your blues like mine? Are your highs as high or your lows as low? Do you go home alone at night? Or have family there waiting to see you. Are you pleased with your life, or feeling lost? Are you hopeful, prayerful, joyful, or filled with sorrow. What are your hopes and dreams? What are your biggest regrets? Are you living life, or merely existing? What is your story?
I'd love to know more,
Lexi
Thursday, December 2, 2010
30-Day Blog Challenge: Day 5 - A Letter to My Dreams
Since I was a child, I've been living with extremely vivid dreams. Its a rare occurence when I dream and am gently awakened by it. My dreams, when I have them, are extremely vivid and rock me awake with ferocity. I also had so many dreams for my life that I had not yet fulfilled. I write this letter to both types.
Dear Nighttime Dreams,
Many nights I pray for respite from your intensity. Waking up in a state of panic, a cold sweat or a fever is nothing I look forward to. The images you present to me scare me, make me joyful, or arouse me. I can never tell which. The thoughts of my mind before rest rarely have anything to do with the show you put on. I know that sometimes my mind is in overdrive, making it difficult for you to piece together a coherent lesson. I still lie down in fear that you will return to me. My 10,000 Dreams Explained helps me piece together some sort of meaning in all of this. Some sort of connection to reality when things seem so far away. Sometimes I wish that I could understand them all better. That I could find some semblance of normalcy in the picture show of my mind. The nights I am without you give me peaceful rest. I yearn for that rest, and curse myself when you deprive me of them. Sometimes I appreciate the insight you provide, while other times I wish for you to stay away...
Trying to find rest,
Lexi
To my Lifelong Dreams,
I know that you must think I have forgotten you all. I know that you may think I have abandoned you for others. I must admit that life got in the way of achieving some of you, but I work constantly to try to figure out how to make you all happen again. I want nothing more than to achieve all of the things I so desparately wanted in life. The train to my destiny has not been derailed, we are sitting at a fork in the tracks deciding which route is best. I will begin my journey with a renewed sense of self and hope for the future. Hoping that those who I carry on this train will provide the support and encouragement I will need to stay on track. I will reach you all one day. Do not fret. I am on my way.
See you soon,
Lexi
Dear Nighttime Dreams,
Many nights I pray for respite from your intensity. Waking up in a state of panic, a cold sweat or a fever is nothing I look forward to. The images you present to me scare me, make me joyful, or arouse me. I can never tell which. The thoughts of my mind before rest rarely have anything to do with the show you put on. I know that sometimes my mind is in overdrive, making it difficult for you to piece together a coherent lesson. I still lie down in fear that you will return to me. My 10,000 Dreams Explained helps me piece together some sort of meaning in all of this. Some sort of connection to reality when things seem so far away. Sometimes I wish that I could understand them all better. That I could find some semblance of normalcy in the picture show of my mind. The nights I am without you give me peaceful rest. I yearn for that rest, and curse myself when you deprive me of them. Sometimes I appreciate the insight you provide, while other times I wish for you to stay away...
Trying to find rest,
Lexi
To my Lifelong Dreams,
I know that you must think I have forgotten you all. I know that you may think I have abandoned you for others. I must admit that life got in the way of achieving some of you, but I work constantly to try to figure out how to make you all happen again. I want nothing more than to achieve all of the things I so desparately wanted in life. The train to my destiny has not been derailed, we are sitting at a fork in the tracks deciding which route is best. I will begin my journey with a renewed sense of self and hope for the future. Hoping that those who I carry on this train will provide the support and encouragement I will need to stay on track. I will reach you all one day. Do not fret. I am on my way.
See you soon,
Lexi
Monday, November 29, 2010
30-Day Blog Challenge: Day 4 - A Letter to A Sibling (or Closest Relative)
Although I have siblings, my closest relative is my cousin Sandi, so this blog is to her.
Hey Sandi,
I am forever grateful to you for being there for me and Ty whenever we need you to be. Although you spent some time on the other side of the country, the relationship that we have built since your return is wonderful. The many outings to dancing, movies, dinners, and culture will never be forgotten. I see you as a gift from God, someone who is there for me at my lowest points, motivating me to move on. Someone who loves Ty and enjoys hanging out with us, whether its coming over for dinner, or going downtown to experience the city. I appreciate you more than words can show. I feel honored that you trust my opinion on things and do my best to provide sound advice based on the life I've experienced. I admire your godliness, strength, perseverance and positive attitude. I can only hope to be as good a person as you are, with the exuberance you exhibit, and the love of life.
I love you so much cousin,
Lexi
Hey Sandi,
I am forever grateful to you for being there for me and Ty whenever we need you to be. Although you spent some time on the other side of the country, the relationship that we have built since your return is wonderful. The many outings to dancing, movies, dinners, and culture will never be forgotten. I see you as a gift from God, someone who is there for me at my lowest points, motivating me to move on. Someone who loves Ty and enjoys hanging out with us, whether its coming over for dinner, or going downtown to experience the city. I appreciate you more than words can show. I feel honored that you trust my opinion on things and do my best to provide sound advice based on the life I've experienced. I admire your godliness, strength, perseverance and positive attitude. I can only hope to be as good a person as you are, with the exuberance you exhibit, and the love of life.
I love you so much cousin,
Lexi
Saturday, November 27, 2010
30-Day Blog Challenge: Day 3 - A Letter to My Parents
Well, well, well. This one should be just as if not more interesting than the one I wrote to my crush on Day 2. I'm just going to write this off of the top of my head right now, so I'm sure my heart will pour out on this one. For those who don't know, I was raised by my grandparents. So I'll write two letters: one to my parents, and one to my grandparents.
Dear Mom and Dad,
As I sit and write this blog, I look back on my life and your noticeable absence from it. Although you've both attempted to re-establish some relationship with me as an adult, I honestly dont feel that connection with you. I understand Mom that you were young, naive and trying to do the best you could as an almost 20 yr old mom. I understand the feeling of not knowing how to cope with pregnancy, and feeling as though your freedom was being taken away. I was a young mother as well, and I know that dealing with you and my dad's issues didnt make things any easier. Dad, I understand that you had many demons to battle, and that so many other circumstances prevented you from being in my life consistently. For many years I felt bitterness towards you and my mom, for going out and living your own separate lives, with other men/women and their other children, while I lived with my grandparents and depended on my grandparents, aunts, uncles and close family friends to attend mother/daughter or father/daughter functions. I felt anger at how you both could live with and help raise other people's children while leaving me behind.
It lead to me having an inability to trust or be close to anyone, which made my high school experience a painful one, and didnt properly equip me for life, relationships and love. As an adult, however, I see that by leaving me to the care of my grandparents (Gladys and Darnell), you both left me with a wonderful gift: parents who truly love me and protect me. Without them, I'm not sure where I would be or how my life would have ended up. I'd probably be a statistic in the worst way, without motivation, class, grace, or intelligence. So dont take it personally that I dont feel particularly close to you. I love you both for bringing me into the world and being able to realize that you would not be able to parent me in a way that would make me the best that I can be. And for that, I appreciate you. I understand that now that you've seen that I have become a good person you want to take credit for it. I understand that you now want a "real" relationship with me, and maybe God will move me in that direction at some point in my life. But for now, I'm focusing on raising my son and not having him enduring the same pain that I experienced. To make his days full of laughter and happiness, and show him that despite all circumstances, parents who love their children do not leave them.
Sincerely,
Your daughter
Dear GG and Grandpa Dee,
I love you both more than words can describe. Although it wasnt your responsibility, you raised me and treated me as if I was one of your children. Our many trips across the world, special events, and outings showed me that there was so much life out there to experience. I know that all of these things would not have happened had my parents not left me in your care. Grandpa's passing away shook me to the core, and I had to face junior high and high school, and now life, without him. But he instilled in me strength, and the unconditional love of a man, something that has molded me into the loving woman that I am. GG, I appreciate you more than words can express. I am blessed that I can always turn to you whenever I need an ear or some advice. You are my rock, and have made me into the woman that I am. Strong but compassionate, willing to help anyone who needs it. Someone that understands that no matter what, I will take care of my child. I love you and thank you for the home cooked breakfasts every day before school, the study sessions where your years of teaching helped me excel, your understanding when I felt short and had my son in college. Thank you for being you. I am blessed beyond measure.
I love you so much,
Dee
Dear Mom and Dad,
As I sit and write this blog, I look back on my life and your noticeable absence from it. Although you've both attempted to re-establish some relationship with me as an adult, I honestly dont feel that connection with you. I understand Mom that you were young, naive and trying to do the best you could as an almost 20 yr old mom. I understand the feeling of not knowing how to cope with pregnancy, and feeling as though your freedom was being taken away. I was a young mother as well, and I know that dealing with you and my dad's issues didnt make things any easier. Dad, I understand that you had many demons to battle, and that so many other circumstances prevented you from being in my life consistently. For many years I felt bitterness towards you and my mom, for going out and living your own separate lives, with other men/women and their other children, while I lived with my grandparents and depended on my grandparents, aunts, uncles and close family friends to attend mother/daughter or father/daughter functions. I felt anger at how you both could live with and help raise other people's children while leaving me behind.
It lead to me having an inability to trust or be close to anyone, which made my high school experience a painful one, and didnt properly equip me for life, relationships and love. As an adult, however, I see that by leaving me to the care of my grandparents (Gladys and Darnell), you both left me with a wonderful gift: parents who truly love me and protect me. Without them, I'm not sure where I would be or how my life would have ended up. I'd probably be a statistic in the worst way, without motivation, class, grace, or intelligence. So dont take it personally that I dont feel particularly close to you. I love you both for bringing me into the world and being able to realize that you would not be able to parent me in a way that would make me the best that I can be. And for that, I appreciate you. I understand that now that you've seen that I have become a good person you want to take credit for it. I understand that you now want a "real" relationship with me, and maybe God will move me in that direction at some point in my life. But for now, I'm focusing on raising my son and not having him enduring the same pain that I experienced. To make his days full of laughter and happiness, and show him that despite all circumstances, parents who love their children do not leave them.
Sincerely,
Your daughter
Dear GG and Grandpa Dee,
I love you both more than words can describe. Although it wasnt your responsibility, you raised me and treated me as if I was one of your children. Our many trips across the world, special events, and outings showed me that there was so much life out there to experience. I know that all of these things would not have happened had my parents not left me in your care. Grandpa's passing away shook me to the core, and I had to face junior high and high school, and now life, without him. But he instilled in me strength, and the unconditional love of a man, something that has molded me into the loving woman that I am. GG, I appreciate you more than words can express. I am blessed that I can always turn to you whenever I need an ear or some advice. You are my rock, and have made me into the woman that I am. Strong but compassionate, willing to help anyone who needs it. Someone that understands that no matter what, I will take care of my child. I love you and thank you for the home cooked breakfasts every day before school, the study sessions where your years of teaching helped me excel, your understanding when I felt short and had my son in college. Thank you for being you. I am blessed beyond measure.
I love you so much,
Dee
Thursday, November 25, 2010
30-Day Blog Challenge: Day 2 - A Letter to My Crush
So, we're only on Day 2, and already I've got to spill my beans huh? lol. Here goes nothing...
To my crush,
Who would have thought for one moment that I would feel this way? I smile as I type this, because the thought of you seems to have that effect on me. When I first met you, I didn't have feelings one way or the other. You were outside the fence of my life, separated from my inner circle to dwell amongst the associates. And slowly and deliberately, you may your way not only into my front yard, but up the porch steps and into the house for a spell. I know that what I want isnt always what I need, so I do my best to escort you back out into the yard. It makes me feel safe from your charms.
Your sweetness is like honey on my lips, leaving me yearning for another taste. Your words and voice hit me in the strangest way, and make me melt. I could listen to it every minute of every day, and many times, it seems like I do. I try to stay mad at you, but we both know I cant. You frustrate me to no end sometimes. I think it's because of the secrets you keep, the inner mystery I get slight glimpses of, but never get to hear. Magnetic connection that I wish I could tear myself away from.
I feel your strength, and by being near it, feel stronger myself. Im shocked that Im brave enough to write this where you might see it, where you might then be exposed to my most raw emotions. But I doubt much of this will surprise you. In lightening speed you learned to read me like a book. You see right through me when I try my best to hide what I feel. Maybe this is the step needed to provide clarity, to give a direction to the path we're traveling. Alternating the lead role, when I'm more than happy to simply follow your lead. Follow you to the happy place, shutting the door to the outside world and enjoying the warmth.
What do you say?
Lexi
To my crush,
Who would have thought for one moment that I would feel this way? I smile as I type this, because the thought of you seems to have that effect on me. When I first met you, I didn't have feelings one way or the other. You were outside the fence of my life, separated from my inner circle to dwell amongst the associates. And slowly and deliberately, you may your way not only into my front yard, but up the porch steps and into the house for a spell. I know that what I want isnt always what I need, so I do my best to escort you back out into the yard. It makes me feel safe from your charms.
Your sweetness is like honey on my lips, leaving me yearning for another taste. Your words and voice hit me in the strangest way, and make me melt. I could listen to it every minute of every day, and many times, it seems like I do. I try to stay mad at you, but we both know I cant. You frustrate me to no end sometimes. I think it's because of the secrets you keep, the inner mystery I get slight glimpses of, but never get to hear. Magnetic connection that I wish I could tear myself away from.
I feel your strength, and by being near it, feel stronger myself. Im shocked that Im brave enough to write this where you might see it, where you might then be exposed to my most raw emotions. But I doubt much of this will surprise you. In lightening speed you learned to read me like a book. You see right through me when I try my best to hide what I feel. Maybe this is the step needed to provide clarity, to give a direction to the path we're traveling. Alternating the lead role, when I'm more than happy to simply follow your lead. Follow you to the happy place, shutting the door to the outside world and enjoying the warmth.
What do you say?
Lexi
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
30-Day Blog Challenge: Day 1 - A Letter to My Best Friend
I've found in life that the title of best friend is one earned through shared experiences and trial by fire. I've had best friendships fade into the night, and those that have grown and flourished. Right now, I have two best friends. Here are the letters to them...
What's Happening Sharon,
I never would have imagined upon meeting you that our two distinct personalities would meld into such a special friendship. Our difference in age seems to matter not, as we share so many of the same interests, values, and hopes for the future. Even when we disagree, we find a place where we can come together and laugh about it. Through the years and many relocations we havent seen one another as often as we should, but every time we come together, its like we never left. You family with all of their craziness feels like my own, and I love you and them for all of the memories that we have built throughout the years. Your advice has helped me grow as a woman and I appreciate your kind words laced with reality. I am going to make an effort to see you more now that you are back in the area, we are long overdue for a taco night. I'll bring the beers.
Love you lots,
Delexia
To Al,
From the moment your concern for me brought you to Carbondale hospital on a cold February night, God blessed me with one of the best friends I've ever had. You've always been there for me when I needed you to be, and I am proud to have you as a part of me and Tyler's life. Your love of God, and renewed love of life has shown me the strength that I always knew was there. When you were at your lowest hour, I felt so helpless to ease your sorrows, so I cried and prayed that God would bring you peace. I have watched you grow and mature as a man in many ways, and know that you will continue to do so. Your family has become like my own, and I love them all dearly. I love you and your wife for being there to listen to me cry my heart out about life's low moments, and giving me the kind words that gave me the strength to move on. I love you like you were my blood family, and I am always here for you, no matter the time, place, or reason.
Love,
Lexi
What's Happening Sharon,
I never would have imagined upon meeting you that our two distinct personalities would meld into such a special friendship. Our difference in age seems to matter not, as we share so many of the same interests, values, and hopes for the future. Even when we disagree, we find a place where we can come together and laugh about it. Through the years and many relocations we havent seen one another as often as we should, but every time we come together, its like we never left. You family with all of their craziness feels like my own, and I love you and them for all of the memories that we have built throughout the years. Your advice has helped me grow as a woman and I appreciate your kind words laced with reality. I am going to make an effort to see you more now that you are back in the area, we are long overdue for a taco night. I'll bring the beers.
Love you lots,
Delexia
To Al,
From the moment your concern for me brought you to Carbondale hospital on a cold February night, God blessed me with one of the best friends I've ever had. You've always been there for me when I needed you to be, and I am proud to have you as a part of me and Tyler's life. Your love of God, and renewed love of life has shown me the strength that I always knew was there. When you were at your lowest hour, I felt so helpless to ease your sorrows, so I cried and prayed that God would bring you peace. I have watched you grow and mature as a man in many ways, and know that you will continue to do so. Your family has become like my own, and I love them all dearly. I love you and your wife for being there to listen to me cry my heart out about life's low moments, and giving me the kind words that gave me the strength to move on. I love you like you were my blood family, and I am always here for you, no matter the time, place, or reason.
Love,
Lexi
30-Day Blog Challenge
Hey everyone. I haven't written in this blog since April because I launched my own blog on my website Ms. ChiGyrl's World. But I've seen a lot of people taking up the 30-Day Blog Challenge, and feel like this would something interesting for me to do, since I love to write, and have been slacking on my blogs. So here is the lineup for the challenge:
WRITE A LETTER TO THESE PEOPLE :
Day 1 — Your Best Friend
Day 2 — Your Crush
Day 3 — Your parents
Day 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)
Day 5 — Your dreams
Day 6 — A stranger
Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend
Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet
Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to
Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you
Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from
Day 15 — The person you miss the most
Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country
Day 17 — Someone from your childhood
Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be
Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad
Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest
Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression
Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to
Day 23 — The last person you kissed
Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory
Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times
Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to
Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day
Day 28 — Someone that changed your life
Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to
Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror
I havent read all of the topics for the 30 days, so this should be an interesting time. One of cleansing and renewal, where I can say what I want to those who matter, and give you all a glimpse into the real me,
Friday, April 30, 2010
Who you calling an immigrant?
On April 23, 2010, Arizona governor Jan Brewer signed SB1070 into law. This new law goes into effect in July, and it makes it a misdemeanor to be an illegal immigrant in the state of Arizona. It also cracks down on those who harbor or shelter illegal immigrants.
My opinion: The governor is a racist. How many of us have left the house without our ID? Well, if you look like a "foreigner", be prepared to be racially profiled and possibly arrested by law enforcement officers who are now authorized to require immigration or citizenship status from anyone they stop. All they need is 'reasonable suspicion' that the person is an immigrant. So if you dont sound like Opie and you are light tan or darker, you might just find yourself in trouble. Sad.
In a country full of immigrants, it kills me that we have such ridiculous rules about immigration. Now I fully agree that terrorists not be able to bring their behinds over here, but anyone else seeking legal citizenship, sure. We have so many lazy Americans here who arent contributing anything to this country, and if someone wants to come over here and put in a hard days work, let them. Considering the white man stole this country from the Native North American tribes, we have a whole lot of nerve to try to tell other people they can't come over here too. Everyone is up in arms about this new law, and even the MLB players union has condemned the law. And White Sox head coach (gotta plug my Sox whenever possible) Ozzie Guillen stated that he would not attend MLB events held in Arizona if the situation arose. And I respect that. He said he always has to stand up for his people, being that he is Latino.
Laws designed to allow racial profiling only end up causing a rift in the communities in which they are enforced. We need to do better America, we really do.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
The Red Pump Project
I have the pleasure of rocking the red pump on my blog today to support a very important cause. A high school classmate was a co-founder of this wonderful organization that aims to educate the masses on HIV/AIDS. The reality is that HIV/AIDS is here, and it's not going anywhere. HIV/AIDS doesnt discriminate, and it doesn't always "look" like anything. If you take nothing more from this post, understand the importance of getting tested, what HIV/AIDS is, and how you can and cannot contract it.
HIV/AIDS is not the same death sentence that it once was, there is no reason to fear or discrimination against those who may be infected, and by protecting yourself sexually and not engaging in other risky behaviors, you greatly decrease the likelihood of contracting it. For more information about this great organization, please visit http://www.theredpumpproject.com
I say this because I love you all!
MsChiGyrl
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