Hey you,
I know our friendship fell apart in the most ridiculous way. My world felt like it was falling apart and I didnt know what to do, say or how to react. Anger mixed with hurt clouded my vision and made me unable to accept your attempts to find a middle ground. We both know how I feel about betrayal, and I wrongly took your actions as such. I spent so much time deciding whether to relegate you to the "no mans land" of life with those who I have no care for. But I couldnt. No matter how much I tried, and how much I wanted to.
Because our friendship was sacred. Spiritual and special. A connection and light that drew us together when we bought fought it. You read my mind and I read yours. Something worth far more than petty differences. Our paths crossed for a real reason, and I apologize for allowing my hurt to keep me away from the love of a friend. I realize how difficult it was for you to reach out considering all that happened. And I realize that at this time and place, you may never extend a hand again. But I will miss you nonetheless. In this life and the next. I pray for your happiness and for God to move us in whatever direction he sees fit. Thank for you being there, even when you didnt have to be.
Missing you still,
Lexi
Monday, October 3, 2011
Saturday, July 9, 2011
30 Day Blog Challenge: Day 14 - Someone you’ve drifted away from
Well, well, well. There are actually a few people, so I'll write to a couple folks.
Dear Johnny,
Since you commented on my facebook for the first time in who knows how long, I'll start with you. I've known you almost forever, and one thing you've always been is a shoulder to lean on. No matter what I called you for or talked to you about, you always wanted to make sure I was ok before you left or hung up. You gave me real advice on life and for that I appreciate you. I am so proud that you went back to school, and wish you nothing but success. I remember talking to you a lot when you were away in the Air Force. Why the government paid you to protect us, I will never know. LOL. But even when we have a falling out, I thank you for being who you have been in my life.
Thanks so much,
Lexi
Dear Chris,
I know that the last few years have been hectic. I mean, you had a beautiful baby girl (despite my shock that you're someone's dad lol), graduated from grad school, and are out here doing your thing. I miss coming by to listen to music, or you make beats. Play some cards and listen to all of Bean's drama lol. Just chillout. I love you for listening to me whine and cry over whatever guy it was that year, and giving me the straight, no chaser truth. Yeah, sometimes I resisted, but believe that I was listening. We gotta make some time soon to laugh, talk smack and reminisce. The numbers the same as it was a decade ago. So hit me up!
Kan't Stand Your Krazy K's habit,
Lexi
Dear Johnny,
Since you commented on my facebook for the first time in who knows how long, I'll start with you. I've known you almost forever, and one thing you've always been is a shoulder to lean on. No matter what I called you for or talked to you about, you always wanted to make sure I was ok before you left or hung up. You gave me real advice on life and for that I appreciate you. I am so proud that you went back to school, and wish you nothing but success. I remember talking to you a lot when you were away in the Air Force. Why the government paid you to protect us, I will never know. LOL. But even when we have a falling out, I thank you for being who you have been in my life.
Thanks so much,
Lexi
Dear Chris,
I know that the last few years have been hectic. I mean, you had a beautiful baby girl (despite my shock that you're someone's dad lol), graduated from grad school, and are out here doing your thing. I miss coming by to listen to music, or you make beats. Play some cards and listen to all of Bean's drama lol. Just chillout. I love you for listening to me whine and cry over whatever guy it was that year, and giving me the straight, no chaser truth. Yeah, sometimes I resisted, but believe that I was listening. We gotta make some time soon to laugh, talk smack and reminisce. The numbers the same as it was a decade ago. So hit me up!
Kan't Stand Your Krazy K's habit,
Lexi
30 Day Blog Challenge: Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you
I was awake anyway since people kept texting and facebook messaging me, so I'm knocking out a few of these tonight.
This one is a hard one for me. I can't think of a single person that I wish could forgive me. I thought for almost 15 minutes and nothing. So...I'll revisit this one if I can think of someone.
Until then...
Lexi
This one is a hard one for me. I can't think of a single person that I wish could forgive me. I thought for almost 15 minutes and nothing. So...I'll revisit this one if I can think of someone.
Until then...
Lexi
30 Day Blog Challenge: Day 12 - The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
Dear Kenny,
I don't hate you. I probably should and would have more than enough reasons to. But I dont. You caused me a lot of heartache and pain. I spent nearly 4 years trying to understand who and what you were. Was it the sweet guy who cleaned my place and cuddled so close to me at night? Or could it be that you're the lying, cheating, manipulator, fronting for your friends behind my back and disrespecting me? Finally being fed up and walking away was the best thing I could have done for myself. I spent the best part of my 20's confused, hurt, happy one minute and in tears the next. And I couldnt tear myself away. Not until the day you pushed me. The day you decided to put your hands on me in anger. My GG always taught me if they'll do it once, they'll do it again. That was the beginning of the end. I didnt hesitate when I filed the order of protection. It gave me the space I needed to detach. To move on and forget you. Despite your pleas to the contrary.
It almost gave me a laugh to hear you tell me I need to move myself and my son to California, YEARS after I left you alone, as if I'd even consider such a foolish request. Or was that another lie? Another manipulation from someone who couldnt tell the truth if you paid them to. Either way Kenny, as I write this blog, I feel no anger. I feel no sadness, no hostility, no...nothing. And thats how I know I am over you. How I know that no matter where my life takes me, in your arms is not an option. To think I loved you so deeply. Someone I'd known since I was a child. They say the ones closest to you will hurt you the most. And that, you most certainly proved.
Goodbye forever,
Lexi
I don't hate you. I probably should and would have more than enough reasons to. But I dont. You caused me a lot of heartache and pain. I spent nearly 4 years trying to understand who and what you were. Was it the sweet guy who cleaned my place and cuddled so close to me at night? Or could it be that you're the lying, cheating, manipulator, fronting for your friends behind my back and disrespecting me? Finally being fed up and walking away was the best thing I could have done for myself. I spent the best part of my 20's confused, hurt, happy one minute and in tears the next. And I couldnt tear myself away. Not until the day you pushed me. The day you decided to put your hands on me in anger. My GG always taught me if they'll do it once, they'll do it again. That was the beginning of the end. I didnt hesitate when I filed the order of protection. It gave me the space I needed to detach. To move on and forget you. Despite your pleas to the contrary.
It almost gave me a laugh to hear you tell me I need to move myself and my son to California, YEARS after I left you alone, as if I'd even consider such a foolish request. Or was that another lie? Another manipulation from someone who couldnt tell the truth if you paid them to. Either way Kenny, as I write this blog, I feel no anger. I feel no sadness, no hostility, no...nothing. And thats how I know I am over you. How I know that no matter where my life takes me, in your arms is not an option. To think I loved you so deeply. Someone I'd known since I was a child. They say the ones closest to you will hurt you the most. And that, you most certainly proved.
Goodbye forever,
Lexi
Friday, June 10, 2011
30 Day Blog Challenge: Day 11 - A Deceased person you wish you could talk to
Hey Grandpa,
Im writing you a blog. It's this new thing we have thats kind of like a journal or diary on the computer. I cant even begin to describe how much I miss you. But Im sure you know because I talk to you a lot. Sometimes I sit and wait for an answer, as if you're really still here. I look over at your photo in my living room as I read this, proud that you were a strong, responsible, caring, hardworking man. Through your tough exterior, you never failed to show me affection. You always made sure that you taught me the way things should be. Remember when you taught me how to ride a bike with no training wheels? I was so excited and you were cheering me on, even though constantly running behind the bike left you winded. You left us on God's time, but it felt much too soon. You'd love my son. He's so smart, and Im sure he'd have you laughing. Sometimes I think he might not have even been here if I was still under your care when he was conceived. So I guess God gave him to me to replace you. One day you all will meet, but Ive told him lots about you. Your stern teaching has helped me stay on the straight and narrow. Even at times when I felt like a cadet in a boot camp, I knew it came from love. I miss you so much and cant wait to see you again.
Love you,
Lexi
Im writing you a blog. It's this new thing we have thats kind of like a journal or diary on the computer. I cant even begin to describe how much I miss you. But Im sure you know because I talk to you a lot. Sometimes I sit and wait for an answer, as if you're really still here. I look over at your photo in my living room as I read this, proud that you were a strong, responsible, caring, hardworking man. Through your tough exterior, you never failed to show me affection. You always made sure that you taught me the way things should be. Remember when you taught me how to ride a bike with no training wheels? I was so excited and you were cheering me on, even though constantly running behind the bike left you winded. You left us on God's time, but it felt much too soon. You'd love my son. He's so smart, and Im sure he'd have you laughing. Sometimes I think he might not have even been here if I was still under your care when he was conceived. So I guess God gave him to me to replace you. One day you all will meet, but Ive told him lots about you. Your stern teaching has helped me stay on the straight and narrow. Even at times when I felt like a cadet in a boot camp, I knew it came from love. I miss you so much and cant wait to see you again.
Love you,
Lexi
Thursday, June 9, 2011
30 Day Blog Challenge: Day 10 - Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
Hey,
I know you're pretty busy lately, but Im writing this message anyway. You may not ever see it, or have time enough to read it, but I just wanted to say I miss you. I miss the time we used to share, when life was easy and things were simple. I miss you knowing what I wanted to say before I even opened my mouth. The hours spent talking about any and every thing. We were so close, we had a real bond. You were one of the rare people I called, even when I didnt want anything important, and you were one of the few I didnt mind doing the same. But thats life. People move, grow, change, take on responsibilities, hobbies, and activities that then place the ones they were close to at a distance. And whether or not we ever get back to the way we were, I enjoyed every moment of laughter and fun. Friendships are like flowers, and without water, they will die. Even a cactus needs moisture. But I understand why you have had to focus on other things, and I respect you for it. So no, I may not call as often as I had before. Its out of respect for you and your time, so dont take it personally. Just continue to grow, to flourish, to do any and everything your heart desires. Because even if Im not there anymore, I will continue to cheer on your successes in my heart.
Reach for the sky,
Lexi
I know you're pretty busy lately, but Im writing this message anyway. You may not ever see it, or have time enough to read it, but I just wanted to say I miss you. I miss the time we used to share, when life was easy and things were simple. I miss you knowing what I wanted to say before I even opened my mouth. The hours spent talking about any and every thing. We were so close, we had a real bond. You were one of the rare people I called, even when I didnt want anything important, and you were one of the few I didnt mind doing the same. But thats life. People move, grow, change, take on responsibilities, hobbies, and activities that then place the ones they were close to at a distance. And whether or not we ever get back to the way we were, I enjoyed every moment of laughter and fun. Friendships are like flowers, and without water, they will die. Even a cactus needs moisture. But I understand why you have had to focus on other things, and I respect you for it. So no, I may not call as often as I had before. Its out of respect for you and your time, so dont take it personally. Just continue to grow, to flourish, to do any and everything your heart desires. Because even if Im not there anymore, I will continue to cheer on your successes in my heart.
Reach for the sky,
Lexi
30 Day Blog Challenge: Day 9 - Someone you wish you could meet
I failed miserably on doing a continuous 30 days, but some of these topics are ones I feel compelled to cover. So here goes nothing...
Dear Little Brother or Sister,
Sometimes I wonder how my life might have been different if you had been here. Having been raised as an only child meant that sometimes I was bored. Sometimes I felt alone. Sometimes I wished I had someone to talk to besides my granny. But whether or not you arrived was beyond my control. Decisions were made, and you became no more than a dream. Life isnt always easy, so you got to miss its pain. But you also missed out on the beauties of life; rainbows, falling in love, having a child, summer days, barbecue, flowers, trees, and sunshine. I wonder sometimes what your name would have been. What it would have been like to take you to the park, ride bikes, go to movies, go to carnivals and plays. I sit and wonder sometimes what it would be like to meet you. But if my beliefs hold true, one day I will get the chance.
Love you,
Your big sister
Monday, February 7, 2011
30 Day Blog Challenge: Day 8 - Your Favorite Internet Friend
Dear internet friends,
I have a few of you who I all like in different ways, so I cant choose just one to write to.
My beautiful Brazillian girl and her wacky bff/lover/boyfriend, I love you guys more than you know. You are always there with a kind word when I need one. Your warmth and kind spirit brightens my day, and I cant say thank you enough for being who you both are. My homegirl, your beauty is awe inspiring, both inside and out. Your intellect constantly urges me to learn more, do more, be more. For that, I appreciate you. And my buddy B, your warmth and guys perspective on life is refreshing and a needed balance to my neuroses. So *hugs* for your advice and insight.
My lovely girl aka AdrianasEyes...we have known each other for nearly a decade now, but it surely doesnt feel like it. Your mellow nature, happy demeanor, and ability to bounce back from anything to provide for your beautiful kids is why I love you so much. You are stronger than you know. You are beautiful, kind, and you like hip hop and r&b. My sister from another mother...and father. LOL.
Mumba, my relationship and life coach. I enjoy your insight and wisdom on life and personal growth. You have a warmth that radiates from your words, and I appreciate you for being the vessel for positive change in black relationships. Continue doing what you do. Im waiting for the next book, so get to it! :)
From your e-buddy,
Lexi
I have a few of you who I all like in different ways, so I cant choose just one to write to.
My beautiful Brazillian girl and her wacky bff/lover/boyfriend, I love you guys more than you know. You are always there with a kind word when I need one. Your warmth and kind spirit brightens my day, and I cant say thank you enough for being who you both are. My homegirl, your beauty is awe inspiring, both inside and out. Your intellect constantly urges me to learn more, do more, be more. For that, I appreciate you. And my buddy B, your warmth and guys perspective on life is refreshing and a needed balance to my neuroses. So *hugs* for your advice and insight.
My lovely girl aka AdrianasEyes...we have known each other for nearly a decade now, but it surely doesnt feel like it. Your mellow nature, happy demeanor, and ability to bounce back from anything to provide for your beautiful kids is why I love you so much. You are stronger than you know. You are beautiful, kind, and you like hip hop and r&b. My sister from another mother...and father. LOL.
Mumba, my relationship and life coach. I enjoy your insight and wisdom on life and personal growth. You have a warmth that radiates from your words, and I appreciate you for being the vessel for positive change in black relationships. Continue doing what you do. Im waiting for the next book, so get to it! :)
From your e-buddy,
Lexi
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
30-Day Blog Challenge: Day 7 - A Letter to Your Ex-boyfriend/love/crush
*deep breath, silent prayer*
To whom it may concern,
I've chosen to write this message collectively, as each experience has led to this place. For a time after each of us separated, I held on to sadness, anger, hurt and shame. I was sad that things that seemed so wonderful would never be again. Angry that I once again allowed myself to trust only to be let down. Hurt that someone i cared for so much would cause me such pain. Ashamed that I held on a minute longer than I should have. Although all of these things were my issues, I placed the blame for them all on you.
As time passed, I began to take responsibility for my role in these situations. I could have walked away long before things came to a head. I stayed to long, wanted more than each of you could give, and wanted to be loyal when some showed no loyalty in return. Thats the way it goes sometimes. But as I've stated all of the things I disliked, but you all had some amazing qualities that drew me to you in the first place.
I thank you all for lifting me up, making me feel more beautiful each day, giving me strength when I felt weak. Being there at times when no one else would. I appreciate it. The nights out on the town, trips around the world, and time spent hanging out in front of the tv. I appreciate it all. By taking the best parts of each of you, I know what I want and don't want in the future. I know what feels good and what feels bad. I thank you for it. Without the good and the bad that each of you brought into my life, I wouldn't be the woman that I am. Stronger, smarter, more in love with myself. The woman ready to give all of the love I gave to each of you and more to the man who will finally deserve to have it. I have no regrets, because each moment was part of God's Divine plan for my life. I embrace it fully. I wish you all happiness, joy, and love. Enough of each to change your lives and make you receptive to real, pure, unconditional love.
Love you all,
Lexi
To whom it may concern,
I've chosen to write this message collectively, as each experience has led to this place. For a time after each of us separated, I held on to sadness, anger, hurt and shame. I was sad that things that seemed so wonderful would never be again. Angry that I once again allowed myself to trust only to be let down. Hurt that someone i cared for so much would cause me such pain. Ashamed that I held on a minute longer than I should have. Although all of these things were my issues, I placed the blame for them all on you.
As time passed, I began to take responsibility for my role in these situations. I could have walked away long before things came to a head. I stayed to long, wanted more than each of you could give, and wanted to be loyal when some showed no loyalty in return. Thats the way it goes sometimes. But as I've stated all of the things I disliked, but you all had some amazing qualities that drew me to you in the first place.
I thank you all for lifting me up, making me feel more beautiful each day, giving me strength when I felt weak. Being there at times when no one else would. I appreciate it. The nights out on the town, trips around the world, and time spent hanging out in front of the tv. I appreciate it all. By taking the best parts of each of you, I know what I want and don't want in the future. I know what feels good and what feels bad. I thank you for it. Without the good and the bad that each of you brought into my life, I wouldn't be the woman that I am. Stronger, smarter, more in love with myself. The woman ready to give all of the love I gave to each of you and more to the man who will finally deserve to have it. I have no regrets, because each moment was part of God's Divine plan for my life. I embrace it fully. I wish you all happiness, joy, and love. Enough of each to change your lives and make you receptive to real, pure, unconditional love.
Love you all,
Lexi
30-Day Blog Challenge: Day 6 - A Letter to A Stranger
Hey there,
As I pass you on the street or drive past you in my car, sometimes I wonder. Are your blues like mine? Are your highs as high or your lows as low? Do you go home alone at night? Or have family there waiting to see you. Are you pleased with your life, or feeling lost? Are you hopeful, prayerful, joyful, or filled with sorrow. What are your hopes and dreams? What are your biggest regrets? Are you living life, or merely existing? What is your story?
I'd love to know more,
Lexi
As I pass you on the street or drive past you in my car, sometimes I wonder. Are your blues like mine? Are your highs as high or your lows as low? Do you go home alone at night? Or have family there waiting to see you. Are you pleased with your life, or feeling lost? Are you hopeful, prayerful, joyful, or filled with sorrow. What are your hopes and dreams? What are your biggest regrets? Are you living life, or merely existing? What is your story?
I'd love to know more,
Lexi
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